Saturday, September 1, 2012

Gotta run ...

A year ago, I was doing so well.  I had dropped about 80 pounds at that point, and I was feeling pretty damn pleased with myself.  Then, by early November of last year my forward momentum came to a screeching halt.  I was still exercising, but not nearly as much as I had been.  And I was eating more than I knew I should.  I had dropped out of the running class that I was taking, and even though I still did the Turkey Trot 5K that I had signed up for, my heart was not quite into it.  I was in trouble and I knew it, but I did what I have always done and I buried my head in the sand.

I don't know if I became depressed because I was slowly gaining weight, or if I was gaining weight because I was depressed -- and it doesn't really matter which order those two things happened in, because the result was the same.  In the course of about 9 months I have gained back 32 pounds of the weight I had worked so hard to lose.  I have spent the last several months beating myself up, hiding in the house as much as I could because I didn't want anyone I knew to see me -- even those people who already knew I was gaining weight back.  I have been so ashamed of the fact that I just gave up on myself.

"Gotta Run" (c) 2011 by Tina M. Harris

I continued to walk over the course of the year -- and I think that has helped keep that 32 pound weight gain from being 50 or 60 -- however I have done little to push myself.  That pattern stops now.  I am sick of feeling ... well, sick.  My legs hurt, my back hurts, and worst of all my psyche hurts.  I know I am never going to be a bikini-wearing size 0.  I am a big girl and I am okay with that.  What I am NOT okay with is feeling like crap when it is within my ability to change.  So, I have signed up for another running class, I am refocusing my attention on my eating habits, and I am working on being kinder to myself.  None of this is going to be easy, but I also know that I can do it. 

And with that, I've gotta run ...

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