A year ago, I was doing so well. I had dropped about 80 pounds at that point, and I was feeling pretty damn pleased with myself. Then, by early November of last year my forward momentum came to a screeching halt. I was still exercising, but not nearly as much as I had been. And I was eating more than I knew I should. I had dropped out of the running class that I was taking, and even though I still did the Turkey Trot 5K that I had signed up for, my heart was not quite into it. I was in trouble and I knew it, but I did what I have always done and I buried my head in the sand.
I don't know if I became depressed because I was slowly gaining weight, or if I was gaining weight because I was depressed -- and it doesn't really matter which order those two things happened in, because the result was the same. In the course of about 9 months I have gained back 32 pounds of the weight I had worked so hard to lose. I have spent the last several months beating myself up, hiding in the house as much as I could because I didn't want anyone I knew to see me -- even those people who already knew I was gaining weight back. I have been so ashamed of the fact that I just gave up on myself.
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| "Gotta Run" (c) 2011 by Tina M. Harris |
I continued to walk over the course of the year -- and I think that has helped keep that 32 pound weight gain from being 50 or 60 -- however I have done little to push myself. That pattern stops now. I am sick of feeling ... well, sick. My legs hurt, my back hurts, and worst of all my psyche hurts. I know I am never going to be a bikini-wearing size 0. I am a big girl and I am okay with that. What I am NOT okay with is feeling like crap when it is within my ability to change. So, I have signed up for another running class, I am refocusing my attention on my eating habits, and I am working on being kinder to myself. None of this is going to be easy, but I also know that I can do it.
And with that, I've gotta run ...
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